“There’s still a lot to learn. But one thing is clear: The pain of rejection has always been a part of life, and probably always will be.”1 Accordingly, rejection is an important topic to be addressed and developing a fear of social rejection will affect our mental health and might come in the way of leading a successful life. Hence, how did the fear of social rejection originate? How can we overcome it?
Humans have a radical need for belonging.2 It was described that human beings rely on social groups for survival. Therefore, we evolved to live in cooperative societies that we depend on. Appropriately, being accepted by society was vital for our survival.3 “With today’s modern conveniences, a person can physically survive a solitary existence. But that existence is probably not a happy one. Thanks to millions of years of natural selection, being rejected is still painful.”3 In fact, studies have found that social rejection activates many of the brain regions that are activated during physical pain; overlapping each other. Which suggests that the pain of rejection doesn’t hurt any less than physical pain.4
Who is the most vulnerable to social rejection?
Studies suggest that people with low self-esteem chronically perceive that others reject or exclude them. While people with high self-esteem perceive that others accept and include them.1 A study concluded that the individual’s inability to differentiate between their particular negative emotions associated with rejection and having low self-esteem are a toxic combination when it comes to social rejection.2 Where it was explained that people with low self-esteem experience more social pain, which means the extent to which individuals are socially included or excluded by others (sociometer theory).5 Also, another study suggests that rejection may be a driving force for decision-making, leading to its use as a tool to decrease adolescents’ resistance to peer pressure and increasing the probability of risky decisions.6 Hence, in that case, developing a fear of rejection might lead youth to take actions that they might regret later on, due to their decreased resistance to peer pressure.
Figure 1.1 (6)
The key to overcoming the fear
To overcome the fear of rejection, each individual needs to have high self-esteem and emotional intelligence (2). Emotional intelligence is defined as “the ability to perceive, express and manage one’s own emotions and those of others.” (7). It is also defined as “the emotional skills necessary to manage stress and be sensitive and effective in relating to other people.” (8). And the article mentioned the following steps necessary to help achieve emotional intelligence for adolescents:
- Recognizing and managing emotions as it was described that “being aware of and being able to label their feelings helps adolescents identify options and to do something constructive about them.” (8). In other words, identifying and managing emotions is the foundation to finding a solution to the negative emotions, instead of seeking to numb emotions through substance abuse or developing destructive habits (8).
- Developing empathy “Some youth have particular difficulty ‘reading’ the emotions of others accurately” (8). And empathy can be taught by interaction between different groups and understanding emotionally the negative consequences of prejudice (unfairness or bias). (8)
- Learning to resolve conflict constructively since we all have different mindsets, conflict is inevitable. There are tools for managing conflict that can be taught within programs (conflict resolution programs) targeting adolescents, but they can also be taught in an unofficial manner (8) (through experienced family or friends, for example). And these programs mainly teach students to “define their objectives in conflicts, their feelings, and the reasons for what they want and feel, and then ask them to take the perspective of others involved when coming up with options that might resolve conflicts.” (8)
- Developing a cooperative skill “In the contemporary work world, the importance of teams and the ability to work cooperatively with others is increasingly emphasized” and this can be taught by group activities or even, recently, video games. (8)
Achieving previous steps can, hopefully, increase a person’s emotional intelligence.
Group differences in emotional development
It was mentioned that “Adolescents need adults who can model positive self-esteem, teach them to be proud of their identity, and help them cope positively with any prejudice they encounter in their lives.” (8).
- Gender differences: Research has shown that girls’ feelings of self-esteem tend to decrease as they become adolescents. Whereas it was explained that “Particularly in early adolescence, some studies have shown that boys tend to have higher global self-esteem than girls”(8) It was also added that “Because of differences in how boys and girls are socialized in our society, male and female young adults may also differ in their specific needs for help from professionals in promoting identity formation. For example, some girls may need help learning to become more assertive or in expressing anger. Boys, on the other hand, may need to be encouraged to have cooperative, rather than competitive, relationships with other males as well as helped to understand that it’s okay to feel and express emotions other than anger” (8).
- Ethnic diversity: developing an ethnic identity or belonging to a cult was found to increase self-esteem, so it is encouraged that adolescents find a cult with similar interests to belong to (example: joining a certain sports team, a music band, etc.). Also, it helps develop a sense of identity (8).
Raising self-esteem
The following characteristics have been identified by different researchers as being associated with low self-esteem in adolescents (8)
- Feeling depressed
- Lacking energy
- Disliking one’s appearance and rejecting compliments
- Feeling insecure or inadequate most of the time
- Having unrealistic expectations of oneself
- Having serious doubts about the future
- Being excessively shy and rarely expressing one’s own point of view
- Conforming to what others want and assuming a submissive stance in most situations
If you experience low self-esteem, professional therapy can help raise your confidence. You could also explore areas of specific interest to you (example: if you like playing guitar take guitar lessons, etc…) (8). Also, you could join a community sharing your interest as mentioned above (example: joining a band, a soccer team, artists community, etc.) (8).
Conclusion
Rejection is a part of life that we need to accept. And even though it’s a painful experience, we should allow ourselves to heal and overcome it through not only developing the skills of high self-esteem and emotional intelligence, but also by using the steps mentioned above. In addition to that, having support throughout the process from family and friends, along with finding a suitable community that accepts and loves us for who we are and helps us improve on a personal level, will also assist in conquering ostracism. Accordingly, we shouldn’t fit into a toxic community and give in to peer pressure due to our fear of rejection.
References
1- Is rejection on the rise? https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection-rise.aspx
2- Kashdan, T. B., Dewall, C. N., Masten, C. L., Pond, R. S., Powell, C., Combs, D., Schurtz, D. R., … Farmer, A. S. (2014). Who is most vulnerable to social rejection? The toxic combination of low self-esteem and lack of negative emotion differentiation on neural responses to rejection. PloS one, 9(3), e90651. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0090651 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3942456/
3- The pain of social rejection by Kristen Weir. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection.aspx
4- Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain: By Ethan Krossa,1, Marc G. Bermana, Walter Mischelb, Edward E. Smithb,c,1, and Tor D. Wagerd https://www.pnas.org/content/pnas/108/15/6270.full.pdf
5- Onoda, K., Okamoto, Y., Nakashima, K., Nittono, H., Yoshimura, S., Yamawaki, S., Yamaguchi, S., … Ura, M. (2010). Does low self-esteem enhance social pain? The relationship between trait self-esteem and anterior cingulate cortex activation induced by ostracism. Social cognitive and affective neuroscience, 5(4), 385-91. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2999754/
6- Peake, S. J., Dishion, T. J., Stormshak, E. A., Moore, W. E., & Pfeifer, J. H. (2013). Risk-taking and social exclusion in adolescence: neural mechanisms underlying peer influences on decision-making. NeuroImage, 82, 23-34. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3820094/
7- American Psychological Association (APA) article: Emotional intelligence for a better community https://www.apa.org/monitor/dec01/emotional.aspx/
8- American Psychological Association (APA) article: Developing Adolescents: A Reference for Professionals https://www.apa.org/pubs/info/brochures/develop.aspx/